I don’t feel like a mother. I certainly don’t feel like what society “expects” mothers to be. I definitely don’t feel like my mother. I can’t hardly even believe this is real.
Part of it, I’m sure, is just because I had completely given up on my chances of getting pregnant by the time I actually got pregnant. I was so tired of the constant disappointment, so if I didn’t hope at all I didn’t get disappointed. Now I can’t believe it.
I’m still a Metallica fan. I’m Wiccan. I have a tattoo, two rings in each ear and a ring in my nose (in fact I plan to have my children’s names tatooed on). I don’t believe in government school. I hardly ever cook real meals (although my main excuse, “I work too”, won’t really fly anymore!). I never wear hairspray. I go all the way to San Antonio for great late night parties. I stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. I read science fiction and fantasy. I think soap operas are for the brain-dead. When I’m lonely or bored I ponder the meaning of quantum physics and what my alternate selves are doing now.
I like who I am and I’m proud of it. I don’t want to change it. But I don’t see women like me. If they’re out there, they’re keeping quiet.
I guess I just feel lonely. Most of my friends have been guys, so there’s certainly no sympathy from that quarter! Maybe that’s my problem. How do I go from being one of the guys to being a mother?