I Am a Nightowl

This moon cycle starts a month of introspection for me.  I will come and write something every day on Know Thyself, the charge I have received this past cycle from the gods.

The same message came from both Áine, while channeling the Goddess during a Persephone’s Chalice, and from Elizabeth Vongvisith, who did a reading on Loki for me.  Áine was very specific, asking probing “Who are you?” questions repeatedly.  I was speechless.  A week or so before, Elizabeth did the reading because I came to her with the strong feeling that Loki was calling me, and had been for several years.  I wanted to know if I was correct, and if so what he wanted.  Part of her reading was that I need to align myself with my “tribe” and find my place and purpose.

Gods know I’ve been seeking for what seems like forever.  Over the last year or two, things have felt like they were falling into place a bit.  Now I am pressed to hit ground, earth myself *in* myself, find my place and do it *now*.

My first instinct was to start asking questions of others.  But, DUH!!!! That’s not me, that’s what other people think of me.  I need to know who I am, without being defined by others.  They can’t know what is inside me.  All they can tell me is whether the face I am presenting to them is being perceived the way I think it is.  Is the show working?  Did the play go over correctly?  That’s not who I am.

This week, I have finally realized this, and with it is coming the realization that an incredible amount of who I am and what I do has, ultimately, been defined first by others.  The project of defining myself suddenly takes on an awesome, incredible scope.  I am going to have to pick apart my life to try and tease out the pieces that are just mine, only me, nobody else.  It is daunting.  It will be a challenge.  Now that I think about it, this could potentially be *the* life-shaking, life-altering, changes-everything THING that Loki is calling me to, the Game Changer that other Lokians talk about as being the defining characteristic of becoming his, of taking him as a patron.

After seeing some discussions online about newbies in general, and Pagan bubbles, and things like that, I feel called and comfortable sharing this journey online.  I’ve been meaning to restart my blog.  Here’s my chance.  I don’t mind sharing my journey with the world.  I’m not asking for your evaluation of me, but rather I am sharing my evaluation of myself with you.  Making the commitment here, in public, to address and study this project every day will help keep me accountable, keep me on track.

On to Day 1.  Today, I Know that I am a nightowl.  Getting older and having kids hasn’t done a darn thing to change this.  Having a job didn’t change it.  The thought of saluting the sunrise every day didn’t change it.  Becoming a runner didn’t change it.  It is part of Who I Am.  I always thought the idea of becoming a vampire was attractive, not because of drinking blood, but because it was a wonderful excuse to stay up all night and sleep all day.  I do my best work between 10pm and 4am.  Most of my life, I have fought this tendency, tried to conform to the rest of the world, except for one blissful period right before the triplets were born, when I worked from home on my own schedule.

Right now, the biggest outside force affecting my ability to express this part of myself is my husband’s job.  He needs to get up and be at work early.  His ride picks him up at 8.  Occasionally at this job, he’s gone in around 9 or 9:30, but no later.  If I were to move myself to a more preferred schedule, it would adversely affect him, because he would be encouraged to stay up late with me and would miss out on sleep he needs to do his job well.  It would be his choice to do this, but it would still be a consequence of my actions.  Because of this, I do not see a clear way at this time to avoid getting up at what is, for me, very early in the morning, on a regular basis.  But I know that it is not who I am.

I am a night person.