I have trust issues. I have perfection issues. I have communication issues. None of those things goes along well with working together with other people.
I can do it if there is a clear outline of tasks and responsibilities, and if I feel I can count on the others to do their part. But collaboration? No. Joint effort on a single task? No.
This is a stumbling block, to be sure.
I am studying to be a priestess, to hopefully lead my own church someday. How can I do that without being able to surrender to teamwork in the circle? On the one hand, surrender sounds like the wrong word, but that’s what it feels like to me. It involves surrendering control, surrendering total responsibility (good or bad) over the outcome.
Surrender. Bending with the wind. Going with the flow. I think those are the keys.
I don’t have a lot of words today. Just a simple recognition that I have a hard time surrendering. It is something that I would like to be different. It is a skill that I can learn, and I will work on that.
It’s definitely challenging. I also have perfection issues, trust issues, and communication issues. What I try to remember when I’m standing as priest is that everyone there on the Circle is going to get out of ritual as much as they put in.
Yes, I want every ritual to be powerful and transformative, to shake folk up, take their breath away and reveal the Mysteries of the universe… but all I can do is lead folk to the proverbial water, you know?
How do you handle this when presenting school lessons to the kids?
There is not as much give and take in that situation. The level of authority involved in the teacher-student and parent-child relationships is much higher. I see adult peer teams as more a matter of equals working together. Even in circle, the High Priests are simply first among equals, leaders to provide guidance but not authority figures. There is a real difference between teaching a child to read and do math, and working on a team to complete a code project, or working together with roommates to keep a house clean.
I wonder if some of the difference in the ability to bend there is a function of how likely I am to lose face? I’d have to be a pretty awful monster to lose face with my children, but it seems to be much easier to do with peers. Perhaps this is what leads to the control and trust issues.