Yesterday we went to Meijer Gardens with our homeschool group.  We’ve been so many places this summer: the aquatic center, the zoo, so many parks, the county fair, the children’s museum, to the store almost every day.  I’m learning to turn what’s been, “always no, unless there’s a really good reason,” into “always yes, unless there’s a good reason not to.”  We’ve never been challenged on access with A’Kos, he just is there, like a cane, ready to help.

I thought about Kender’s development today in terms of question words.  We all know the basic six question words: Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How.  We all learn how to answer each of those questions one at a time as we grow and mature.  I can see Kender progressing through these, and each one he gets reduces his frustration and increases our ability to interact with him.

Kender has mastered What.  He can answer to, “What is that? What are you doing? What do you want?” Being able to tell us what he has and what he wants are huge helps for us as parents.  It can get a little hairy sometimes, such as last when when he was throwing a huge fit because he wanted “lip balls” for breakfast.  It took what seemed like forever for us to figure out he was trying to say “Fruity Pebbles”!  It can be strange sometimes to here him make these kinds of toddler speech mistakes after so many years of perfect mimicry, but it is in fact a step forward as he learns to create his own speech instead of simply parroting the speech of others.

Now Kender is working on Who.  He has been saying “Hello” and “Goodbye” and giving people names for a while.  Last night, he amazed me by answering, “Who made your quesadillas?” with, “Daddy made my quesadillas.”  He has learned pronouns, which is a pretty big leap in abstract thought.  When he repeats something we say to him, he will replace pronouns appropriately. “What are you doing?” “I am getting my book player.”

Where is probably next, I think.  He can answer, “Where are you going?” and will often ask, “Where is Daddy gone?”  Sometimes he’ll repeat that over and over, asking Where for MawMaw, the cats, his brothers and sisters, so I can see his mind working at it.  While I can tell him to throw something away or put something in the dirty clothes chute and he will do it, asking him where something is doesn’t always get a response, even a non-verbal one.  He’s working on it.

I’m looking forward to When.  I feel like that is the point where we will be able to start working on prereading skills a little better.  When is very abstract because it involves thinking outside of the Now.  Even the Who and Where are usually pretty tightly bound to Now.  When requires reaching backwards and forwards in personal time.  Being able to answer What and Who questions for the past and future, being able to anticipate future events, having a sense of days and weeks and months, all of these will be a big leap.

When I think of where he was just a few short months ago, though, he’s made huge leaps already.  It’s so exciting to watch!

Today is Kender’s sixth birthday.  I don’t think he understands what that means.  He screams no, covers his ears, and walks away if we say, “Happy Birthday!” or try to sing.  He’s never been able to say, “I’m (xx) years old.”  He doesn’t talk about his birthday, he doesn’t ask for a party, he doesn’t spend the whole year planning his party and begging for presents, like all my other kids do.

I thought about having a party this year anyway, but I never planned anything.  Instead, I went by the store today and picked up all his favorite things for dinner, a strange Kender-only mishmash of junk food like macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets combined with blueberries, salad, celery and cucumbers.  I got some cupcakes, too, telling myself that it was not cheating, he doesn’t care, even the other kids don’t care, they just want cupcakes and don’t care what kind or who made them.  We’ll all have dinner together, and then we’ll sing Happy Birthday to Kender and eat cupcakes.  I’ll dig up at at least one candle to light, but we have to be careful.  He’ll lean in too close and risk setting his hair on fire, and he doesn’t fully understand blowing out the flame yet.

I haven’t gotten him any presents yet.  Neither has anybody else (aside from a savings bond, something he can’t see, touch, or understand), not even the grandmothers.  My present to him this year is clearing and organizing his room, though he may or may not realize it.  I wanted to get him a light table, too, but haven’t managed it yet.  He’s already been exploring the toys I left in his room more, pulling out some special books and playing with the blocks.  He dumps things, too, and we rush in to pick them up.  I’ve gotten him to help with picking up once or twice.

It’s hard not to compare him to other kids.  Six-year-olds are heading off to kindergarten or maybe even first grade.  They know how to read and are working on writing.  They can do basic math.  They can tell you their name and address and phone number and show you the way to their house.  They play games like tag and softball, they ride bikes and scooters, they have favorite movies and books.  Not Kender.

For Kender, we celebrate how much he is talking, how he will frequently answer questions like “What is that?” or “What are you doing?”  We’re happy on days when he doesn’t scream and throw furniture or bang new holes in the wall.  We ask for a kiss or a hug and hope for an outstretched cheek instead of a scream.  We comb his hair and scrub his body, brush his teeth and fasten his shoes.

This year, I hope he will eventually be able to sit with me and listen to a story, show some interest in the words on the page or some indication that he is comprehending what he hears.  I hope we can start talking about shapes and textures, maybe even colors and numbers.  Goals and expectations were always my least-favorite part of the dreading IEP process when we were still getting services from the schools.  I don’t expect him to be reading and writing and playing cooperative games by the end of the year, but I don’t have anything concrete in between that I expect him to do.

I’ll just keep on doing what I’ve been doing for six years: keeping Kender safe, giving him love, and doing my best to create an environment that he can learn and explore in…and hoping someday to get the keys to unlock the little boy inside that I’ve never really been able to talk with.

It’s been 2 months since we first brought A’Kos to stay with us.  It’s time for an update on how things are going, and things are going amazingly well.  A’Kos has blended right into the family.  Perhaps I’ll be a little more resentful of taking him potty when it’s 20 below outside, but for now I’m okay with it.  Kender gets more comfortable with A’Kos every week.  He’s finally learning to enjoy throwing things for A’Kos to fetch.  He particularly likes throwing A’Kos’ hard bones because they make really neat noises on the hardwood floors!  Today I even got Kender to give A’Kos his treat at the end of our daily practice track, which was a big step forward for Kender.

A’Kos with Liam, Jarod, Kender, and Caitlin, taking a bench break while out on a hike

For the most part, having A’Kos along makes getting out and about with Kender much easier than it used to be.  When I need to fill out forms or spend time at the checkout, Kender will tend to lie down on A’Kos at my feet while waiting.  Where before we had to drag Kender by the hand or carry him (a mightier task by the month!), now all we have to do is say, “Grab your handle, Kender!”  Kender grabs his handle and we can take off at a normal walking pace.  Normal walking pace…that in itself is amazing.  Also, with the mobility harness Kender doesn’t need to use his cane.  We didn’t realize what a relief it would be for Kender to not have his cane in hand when he has a meltdown!

Kender and A’Kos exploring the new light exhibit at Impression 5

Last week, we went to the local children’s museum.  Although I used to be a regular visitor to children’s museums when the other kids were little, we haven’t made many trips with Kender.  He would get fixated on just one spot, play too roughly or inappropriately, scream when we tried to redirect him or leave.  With A’Kos, I could lead Kender from exhibit to exhibit.  Anytime I saw him getting stuck, I’d just say, “Come get your handle!” and we’d be off to the next thing.

When we go to the park, A’Kos waits patiently while Kender plays on the equipment, frequently getting plenty of attention from the other children.  If Kender starts to wander off, we go get him and bring him back.  When it’s time to go, again all we have to do is go to Kender and say, “Get your handle!”  No kicking and screaming.  Well, not much, anyway; no more than any other kid!

Some things are still challenging.  Kender has very strong memories of the place where we’ve been holding our church rituals and the people involved.  This makes A’Kos a less effective anchor and distraction.  Kender is accustomed to wandering about during ritual and playing with lights and fans, or being held by one of his sisters while I work as a priestess.  At Litha, he didn’t want to sit with A’Kos while we were drumming.  At our Full Moon this month, he kept asking for Tamara whenever I would pick him up or steer him away from the altar.  Since we only hold ritual once a month right now, it’s going to take a while to work out how the Kender-A’Kos team needs to work on circle.  We’re very grateful for our understanding and forgiving church family while we work through it!

Aside from A’Kos’ trained abilities for tethering and tracking, having him available as a companion is making a huge difference in Kender’s development.  Someone in our church who only sees Kender every couple of months came up to me this weekend and asked when Kender started talking, because they’d never seen/heard him talk before.  Kender has started talking about things that recently happened, things that are about to happen, and things that other people are doing.  He’s saying hello, goodbye, and thank you, appropriately and with names.  He sat in the living room with us to watch a movie when the girls had a sleepover.  Tonight, he asked for more dinner after eating what was on his plate, handed me his plate, and said thank you when I brought it back. (You’d have to have eaten dinner with us recently to understand how huge that was!)  It’s wonderful to see so much growth in the areas of communication, social interaction, and abstract thought, things that I’ve been waiting to see for so long.

Next week, Kender will be six years old.  I think his seventh year is going to be the most amazing yet!