Not feeling like a mother

I don’t feel like a mother. I certainly don’t feel like what society “expects” mothers to be. I definitely don’t feel like my mother. I can’t hardly even believe this is real.

Part of it, I’m sure, is just because I had completely given up on my chances of getting pregnant by the time I actually got pregnant. I was so tired of the constant disappointment, so if I didn’t hope at all I didn’t get disappointed. Now I can’t believe it.

I’m still a Metallica fan. I’m Wiccan. I have a tattoo, two rings in each ear and a ring in my nose (in fact I plan to have my children’s names tatooed on). I don’t believe in government school. I hardly ever cook real meals (although my main excuse, “I work too”, won’t really fly anymore!). I never wear hairspray. I go all the way to San Antonio for great late night parties. I stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. I read science fiction and fantasy. I think soap operas are for the brain-dead. When I’m lonely or bored I ponder the meaning of quantum physics and what my alternate selves are doing now.

I like who I am and I’m proud of it. I don’t want to change it. But I don’t see women like me. If they’re out there, they’re keeping quiet.

I guess I just feel lonely. Most of my friends have been guys, so there’s certainly no sympathy from that quarter! Maybe that’s my problem. How do I go from being one of the guys to being a mother?

6 weeks — TRIPLETS???

Today I made an appointment with my regular obstetrician for an ultrasound. The midwife didn’t do these, and I wanted “fetal pictures” of the baby for each trimester. The doctor treated it as a regular first prenatal visit, complete with Pap smear, cultures, and blood and urine tests. So it took a little while to get to the actual ultrasound. But soon enough I was settled in the room, the lights were out, and we were ready to take that first look at baby.

The first thing the doctor said as he started to look around was, “Now this doesn’t look right.” That is definitely the wrong thing to say to a newly-expectant mom!

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, it looks like you have more than one in here,” he said. What?????

He showed me the separate circles on the screen that indicated more than one egg sac, four in all. Only three had the flickering heartbeats; the fourth didn’t appear to have developed. As soon as I saw those three heartbeats, I started crying. After so long of trying, not only was I pregnant, now I had three babies. The nurse had to hand me a handful of kleenex to mop up the tears. The doctor continued to check for a long time, counting and counting, because he couldn’t believe it. After all, he had only seen one follicle developing. Finally he printed out a picture of each, right, left, and left front low, and I got dressed.

Well, at that point a home birth was out of the question, so they started handing me all the papers they give expectant moms and told me to come back in four weeks. I still had to get some blood drawn on the way out, and I was absolutely incoherent the whole time, laughing and crying.

I called Brian on my way out of the building and told him to meet me behind his office when I got there. I didn’t say why. I picked him up and parked in a far corner of the parking lot. I had folded the ultrasound pictures up so you could only see one at a time. Once we had parked, I showed him the first picture, with the others folded behind it, and said, “Here’s your baby.” He “oohed” and “aahed” for a while, and I let him look. When he handed the picture back to me, I unfolded it to show two and said, “And here’s your other baby.”

He said, “What???” and started looking at the second picture. “You’re joking, right?” But he thought it was neat; he’d said before he wanted identical twins.

“And here’s your other baby,” and I unfolded to show all three pictures. That floored him! He thought, “Oh shit!”

For about the next week, we were speechless around each other. We went around the house saying, “Three!” in awed voices. “Three babies!” It took a long time to sink in. It hasn’t completely yet.

Midwife Visit

Anybody who has talked to me in the past knows how much I’ve wanted a home birth. Now that I was pregnant, there didn’t seem to be anything to stop me, so we made our first visit to the midwife we picked out. She’s a wonderful lady, and she really helped to put some of Brian’s worries to rest. She spent a lot of time with us, much more than we would have gotten from a regular doctor. We went over my diet and how I was feeling, and she weighed me and did a urine test for sugar and protein and stuff. Then she tried to hear the baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler device, but it was still too early and we couldn’t pick anything up. We left with a big stack of books from her lending library.

Double Check

Women who have my condition, polycystic ovarian syndrome, often do not produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy once it is established. After all, the problem was a lack of hormones in the first place. So I went in to the doctor’s office to let the vampires suck out some blood for testing. They ran a pregnancy test, of course, and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. They also checked my progesterone levels, and they were actually even higher than average for this stage of the pregnancy. So everything was looking good!

We’re Pregnant!

By the next weekend, we had finally reached a two-week mark, so that afternoon I went ahead and took another home pregnancy test, expecting nothing. Several cycles before, I had gotten my hopes up over similar symptoms, only to have it be nothing. So when I went back three minutes later and saw that little pink line in the result window on the test, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I just stood and stared at it, completely speechless. Then I went ballistic, jumping up and down. I ran into Brian’s office and said, “Guess what?” Then I held it in front of him to look, not realizing he couldn’t see the lines. He said, “What, what is it, I can’t see it.” I said, “It’s positive!” Then I burst into tears.

Brian didn’t believe it at first either. I didn’t understand his seemingly complete lack of emotion, until I asked him about it. He said, “Couldn’t it be a false positive?” I tried to explain to him that there almost is no such thing as a false positive, and when you do have one it’s usually because of a previous pregnancy. I even took another test the next day, which also came out positive. That seemed to make him feel a little better.

More Symptoms

All this week, my breasts have been extremely sore, as bad as they were the first month I was on the Clomid. Also, they seem to have suddenly swelled another couple of cup sizes. This, along with my sudden distaste for alcohol, gets me to wondering, so even though it hasn’t been two weeks yet, I go ahead and take a home pregnancy test, just in case. It turns out negative.