Not feeling like a mother

I don’t feel like a mother. I certainly don’t feel like what society “expects” mothers to be. I definitely don’t feel like my mother. I can’t hardly even believe this is real.

Part of it, I’m sure, is just because I had completely given up on my chances of getting pregnant by the time I actually got pregnant. I was so tired of the constant disappointment, so if I didn’t hope at all I didn’t get disappointed. Now I can’t believe it.

I’m still a Metallica fan. I’m Wiccan. I have a tattoo, two rings in each ear and a ring in my nose (in fact I plan to have my children’s names tatooed on). I don’t believe in government school. I hardly ever cook real meals (although my main excuse, “I work too”, won’t really fly anymore!). I never wear hairspray. I go all the way to San Antonio for great late night parties. I stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. I read science fiction and fantasy. I think soap operas are for the brain-dead. When I’m lonely or bored I ponder the meaning of quantum physics and what my alternate selves are doing now.

I like who I am and I’m proud of it. I don’t want to change it. But I don’t see women like me. If they’re out there, they’re keeping quiet.

I guess I just feel lonely. Most of my friends have been guys, so there’s certainly no sympathy from that quarter! Maybe that’s my problem. How do I go from being one of the guys to being a mother?

Published by solinox

I am a Wiccan priestess, a libertarian mother of triplets plus three, a wife and homeschooling mom to blind and autistic children, a fiber artist, and a Jane of All Trades, always learning and seeking to help.

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