Missing out

I feel like I’m missing out here. It sounds ridiculous, even to me, but it’s true. It’s not the bedrest or anything else; I can deal with that. Even Brian says bedrest sounds like a dream come true to him; since both of us spend 99% of our time either in front of the computer, the tv, or a book, I’m not missing much with that.

But something that I had been looking forward to so much was actually giving birth to my child. I’m not going to get to give birth to these babies. Yes, they’re my babies, I’m growing them, they are mine genetically and physically and I will love them. But it’s like I’m not going to have to do anything to get them. All I have to do is show up; beyond that the doctors go to great lengths to ensure that I have nothing to do with the process. I won’t even be allowed to go through labor.

I feel like this is a badge of honor that I’m not going to be allowed to go through. I know it’s not fun. But there must be something there I’m missing, or the “twilight birth” period of medical history would never have ended. There are so many hormones created during labor and birth; I won’t get any of those, just some drugs to make sure I don’t feel anything. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling; it’s like…I can’t even think of a proper analogy. There’s nothing I can compare this to. I guess I feel like I’m missing out on part of becoming a woman. It’s a right of passage that I have to skip. And I might not ever get a second chance.

I don’t regret the decision to have a cesarean; it’s the right thing to do, the safest. I am so happy that I am having these babies, and I’m so looking forward to seeing them and watching them grow. But I’m still grieving for the part of the process that I’m going to miss.

Published by solinox

I am a Wiccan priestess, a libertarian mother of triplets plus three, a wife and homeschooling mom to blind and autistic children, a fiber artist, and a Jane of All Trades, always learning and seeking to help.

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