Today, my mind is full and scattered, wandering and looking for a path, chaos surrounded by chaos.
At the end of a fairly stressful Monday filled with more nuisances, annoyances, and breakages than a whole month should have, my altar candle burned itself out. It was a 2-week pillar candle, which usually lasts at least a week in the too-large glass pillar I have it in, and I had just lit it that morning. For some reason, it flared up, melting so deep and fast that it completely buried itself. I couldn’t even dig out the wick. This morning, I tried lighting it anyway, but all I succeeded in doing was melting more wax and burying it deeper, until eventually the tip of the long match fell off, still burning, lodging itself in the red pool of melted wax. That tip is still there hours later, still burning, like a substitute wick, a little off center, but functioning just like the real wick would, melting the rest of the wax to create a flat surface to start over from.
Part of me is a little afraid that something huge is going to happen to shake my life up further, to completely divorce me from my old patterns and set me on a new course. I know a new course is coming. I keep trying to force it, to seek it out, but I think it’s just going to land on me. I’m a little scared.
Yesterday, as I pondered the catastrophe that was Monday, I received a new prompting: Find Your Boundaries. I’ve been claimed by a boundary crosser as my patron god. Now it’s time to further delve into His place in my life. Is this a preparatory step toward finding a Great Work? It could be. Time will tell.
The other night, I had a bizarre dream that my High Priestess just suddenly stopped coming to rituals and refused to talk to me. Very bizarre, since she is one of my best friends, not just my priestess. Last night, I had one of those long, convoluted dreams that included: a roller coaster that swirled around the roof of a building and was used as an escape route to keep away from some kind of boogey-man; living in a skyscraper with businesses and an underground shopping complex, like Crystal City, and setting myself up as a temp with a law firm in the building; an impromptu make-out session with another mom in the abandoned hallway of a school; driving a bus; and making cinnamon rolls for the needy. Um…brain? What the heck?
Boundaries…What are my contradictions in life? What points me out? I am a genius who has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom rather than pursue a hotshot career in something money-making. I am a thick woman who is healthy (apart from constant pain) and strong, and willing to fight anybody who thinks my size or anybody else’s size is a problem. I am a happily married woman approaching my 20th wedding anniversary with my high-school sweetheart, but I am neither heterosexual nor monogamous. I was raised southern Baptist, and I am now a Wiccan priestess. I am a pagan with many children. I am a homeschooler, but I am not Christian. I am a crunchy mom who smokes and drinks. I am an attachment parenting free-range mom.
A story I told my daughter this morning…When I was a kid, whenever we would go out to eat for breakfast, to Denny’s or IHOP or someplace similar, I would always get something off the lunch or dinner menu. Because I could. That was the only reason. Everybody else was getting breakfast, but there was another option, and so I took it. I followed the path less traveled. And got constant complaints about how the smell of my food was ruining the taste of everybody else’s.