I realize that I post a lot of negativity on here. I post about frustrations, worries, depression, and doubt. Frankly, I deal with a lot of that. If I tried to tell the world that my life was all unicorn farts, I’d be lying through my teeth.
I feel like I’d also be doing a disservice to my readers.
I’m not here to be on a pedestal. I’m not here to show everybody how it’s done. The reason I started blogging in the first place, and the reason I started making it a daily practice this year, is to show others what it is like to be me. I want to share what it’s like to examine my inner self, what it’s like to have multiply-disabled children, what it’s like to homeschool in our house.
When I go and look around online, I may see other blogs of people dealing with the same problems. What I see is other moms putting on a good front, telling about how much they trust in their god or gods, how much faith they have that it will all work out. I see other priests and priestesses talking in general terms about how you need to be honest with yourself and love yourself in order to love others.
What I don’t see is a lot of talk about how hard it really is. How hard it is to compare yourself to others, how hard it is to deal with a different life than what you expected. I don’t see a lot of the bad side. I don’t see a lot of detail about how to be honest with yourself, how to talk to yourself and work with your inner feelings.
What I hear in my daily life is kind of the same. I hear about how amazing I am, how I’m doing what nobody else could, oh it’s just wonderful wonderful wonderful. I don’t know whether that makes me feel like a fraud or makes me feel misunderstood, as I look at the dirt on my floors, the unfinished schoolwork and chores, the crying and yelling that happen under overwhelming stress.
I can try to be more happiness and rainbows and unicorns. If I’m going to be honest, though, there’s still going to be sad things on here. There’s going to be stress, frustration, and dirt. It comes with the territory.
Does that mean my life is terrible? No. Does that mean I’m horribly depressed, that my life isn’t working out, that I can’t see any joy here? No. It just means I’m trying to be honest, and let others who are in difficult spots know that you are not alone. You’re not the only one who feels inadequate, you’re not the only one with dirty floors and unfinished chores.
And we can have a good life in spite of all that.
It’s a scary thing, opening up about how difficult it is. Not nearly enough of us do that, including me. You inspire me in so many ways… I’m sorry if that comes across as not understanding how difficult, painful, or frustrating things are.
The fact is, none of us are caped crusaders, capable of doing every last thing. Life is a series of compromises. Magic lies in seeing the beauty in those compromises with imperfection; peace comes with understanding what is “enough”, understanding that each day brings its own value of “enough”.
I’m grateful for the honesty.
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